Why I need calendar alerts

I missed a conference today. Yes, a real conference. It's a state-wide thing, but local so I didn't book the hotel or anything. I didn't have to pay, which is probably the reason it didn't even register with me. I was checking my calendar for tomorrow's activities and saw the conference was today. Ooops.

It was for new and adjunct faculty for the community college. It's not like I really needed to go, but I thought it would look impressive if anyone asked and I figured I might be able to network. Yeah, shot myself in the foot as my name badge sat there all day long.... ug. IDIOT! I'm just hoping no one reports this to the college. Yeah, right....

Updates

Hubby got new job. Back over in the other area...lateral move, no pay increase. Further away, more on call. At least he won't kill anyone.

I'm a bit calmer now. Probably because I'm at school where I feel most at home. Lots to do, but this type of work is manageable to me.

Advisor pretty much leaving me alone. She's pretty sure she's going to get canned, although I have my doubts. We'll find out at the end of October about budget cuts. It probably could go either way....

Alternate universe

Today is one of those days I wonder about my parallel universe. Is there such a place where I live alone in a small apartment over a cafe? I read books and study in the quiet of my world? I have no children. Maybe a spouse, but one that shares by passion for school and outside dining?

On days like today I wonder how I ended up here? Is this the white-trash life that tried to break free? Some parts of me made it while others didn't?

I often think about my parallel life. I wonder if I'd wish I had a family and the suburban home. Do I just think this way because of the "grass is always greener" or am I really in a life that I was too stupid to know would be my second choice. If I had only known at 20 there was a different choice....

Have you ever watched Bridges of Madison County? Yeah, noble she stayed, but didn't you want Franchesca to run away with Robert? Run, run...that's your real life awaiting..... but no, we moms do what's right, even at our own expense. We wipe asses, we check homework, we give praises to our husbands to boost their ego. It's just exhausting.

I think society tells us what we should do --- live in suburbia and raise kids. I see my friend who wasn't able to have kids and she tells me how "lucky" I am. I see how lucky she is.... how ironic is that?

Is it wrong to count the days until my kids go to college? Does that make me a horrible mother? I have my one kid's teacher telling me how the grow up so fast and enjoy this time. How exactly am I supposed to do that??? Perhaps I'm selfish. I don't even care.

Some days are better than others. Today I can barely look at my husband. After 13 years of marriage, I think it's purgatory. I just want to be left alone. I just close my eyes and think of my alternate universe....I'm sitting on a patio outside of my studio apartment, writing, working on research. It's too bad that 10 years ago my universe revolved around babies and the "perfect" American family. I'm such a dumb ass. So naive.

I want to cry. I want to yank out my hair. Instead, I will suck it up and pretend everything is grand. I guess it truly does suck b/c my husband is supportive of what I do, my kids are good kids. I need to stop being so greedy. However, on days like today I can't help but scream inside. WTF???

More coordination, please...

25% of class is out tonight due to "family emergency" or other non-descriptive reasons. I'm a pretty hard ass about emailing me ahead of time. I plan activities, etc. It's not just for my own personal amusement. I actually did have a somwhat boring class prepped. PowerPoint and lecture for the first half, case study for the second half. I'm now wondering how I can reward the troops that will show up tonight. Class is in an hour...must think....

Why do I bother???

So I see a tenure track job in my field that just opened up.  This is the SECOND one in the three years I have seen.  It's a long shot, I know, but still worth a try.  I showed it to the Dr. Dept Chair, he said to email to see if they would consider ABD since it asks for an earned Ph.D.  I did and they said as long as I defend by Aug 2009 to certainly apply.  

I showed the position to other folks around, particular those that I'm on a committee with (all tenured professors).  They're all excited for me.  All volunteered to be references.  The head of the doctoral dept said she knew someone at the school and would call for me.  Everyone's been really supportive.  The head of the doc dept said to use her, this guy I know at the community college, and my advisor as references.

I go to tell my advisor.  I show her the job description.  She said I can't apply.  Ah, already emailed the chair of the search committee and he said I'm good to apply.  She's sooo not impressed and said I'll have to compete with associate professors since it's opened up to both.  Duh, I know.  Worth a shot, though, right?!?  Everything they ask for, I have, at least in tiny bits, anyway.  Maybe they want someone well rounded?  Maybe they'd rather have an assistant professor.  Who knows.  I won't know until I send in my cv!  

I guess I'm just ticked.  Ever watch Randy Pausch's video?  You know the part where he talks about a subordinate coming in to talk to a boss and they're excited and you're excited because they're excited?!?!  I wish she'd just get that.  Edify me and stop putting me down.  That was fine when I started, but I'm starting to feel like a thumb tack lately.  

Committee coming together and apart

Coming together - I told my advisor that Dr. Dept Chair was going to be my chair. Since the "caught with our pants down" incident, she seems to have refocused her energy. Yeah for me! She now thinks that getting my dissertation done sooner rather than later is a good thing because "I don't think they'll be much funding next year." Ah, there is no fourth year funding here unless you get picked up to work on a grant.... and I'd rather slice my wrists. There is a guy here that is on his fourth funded year, but everyone knows that he's kind of a nut-ball. He's decided to do a philosophical dissertation and yet our school doesn't even have a masters program in philosophy. His committee seems to be floundering. Let's just say that the good ones get up and out. That's my plan.

Coming apart - I went to a meeting on the other campus and "ran into" my soon-to-be methodologist. (Yes, purposefully...) We've talked before about my study and she gave me every indication she was on board. She had questions, but nothing that seemed unreasonable considering the novelty of my data collection. She gave me a hug, we chatted, and then I said I wanted to talk to her about being on my committee. She gave me the deer in the headlights look. I figured she'd say something like she was too busy -- she's in a different school and could certainly be a nice cover for letting me down easy. Instead, she asked me about IRB issues, etc. She said she didn't want to be the first. I told her that rumor has it someone else did something similar and I was in the process of tracking it down. I also told her that some folks that serve on the IRB think that it should either be exempt, or expediated under panel B. They see no problems with it. She gave me the "are you sure" look. I let it go and told her I would talk to her later. I mentioned it to Dr. Chair and he said he'd handle it and when we get closer that he'll call her. Okee-do-kee. I have enough to worry about.

Student issues

First job with this school as adjunct.  Don't know the ropes yet.  Hybrid course...jump in with both feet.

Emailed students that did not do their first homework assignment (post an intro about themselves on Bb and do a non-graded practice quiz).  A few did it, a few didn't.  I called...trying to set up a successful class here.... I got one nice person that is having financial aid issues and may drop, two with voicemails, and one CANDY.  

I tell her she didn't respond to my email, her homework is past due and she needs to take real quiz soon.  I told her since this is the first assignment, I would extend it another two days, but she needed to do it asap.  She didn't understand the instructions.  Explained said instructions.  Explained instructions again. She "thinks" she got it.  She calls me back.  I explain said instructions again.  She lost syllabus.  I tell her to print another.  Her printer doesn't work.  We hang up. She calls me back (locked out of quiz, which is what I told her NOT to do).  She explains to me she's ADD and can't read the book.  I ask her if she's gone to the disabilities office so I can make accommodations.  She says she knows nothing about it.  I asked her if she remembers me going over this in class the first night?  If anyone has a disability, please go to the disability office so that I can make accommodations for you.  I take this seriously and I want you to be successful...  Anyway, I give her contact information over the phone, I email her their information, I tell her where to find it on the syllabus.  I then email her advisor.

She called me today to find out what's going to be on the test tomorrow -- "like definitions and stuff".  

Um, no Candy, like, you have to apply the definitions and solve real problems, which is why I'm letting you come in with a calculator and a 4x6 notecard of formulas.  

There are formulas?  What's going to be on the test?  

Candy, as stated in the syllabus and on my weekly announcement, the test is based straight from the quiz.  

What quiz?

The quiz that is due at midnight tonight. 

Tonight?

Yes, Candy, tonight.

Oh, so I guess I need to do that, huh?

Candy?

Ah, yeah...

Did you go see the disability office yet?  I sent you that email and they're expecting you.  

They are?

Yes, Candy.  Until you go see them, I cannot make any accommodations for you.  

Okay, I'm going to take my quiz.  I'll call you later, k?

K!

I'm now in virtual office hours.  Checked grades.  Candy did it!  She took the quiz.  45%, but at least it's done.  I'm waiting for a phone call.  

On the flip side, I called again one of the students that have never responded to any emails or my phone message.  I leave a message with a nice young lady about how there is a test tomorrow and I'm concerned, ya-da.  Turns out he's at class right now and that was his momma.  She said he'd call.  Ooops.  Haven't figured out this whole community college gig yet.  

Give up? No way!

I almost gave up on this article I've been trying to write.  I've rehashed it from a couple of different angles, none of which seemed to work.  There was a soft deadline last Monday for submission and I sent in one "reflective" article, but I wanted my first publication to be a bit more meaty.  It's a student edition of the journal, so I'm hoping they're easy on us.  Anyway, even though it's passed the deadline, I tried one more time to hash this thing out.  I think it worked.  I'm going to email it in and see.  Crossing fingers...

After a crappy day on Friday (so bad I couldn't even blog about it then), I did have some good news.  I got an email asking for me to do a repeat presentation I did last year for some county people.  Yeah! Oh, it's the little things we ABD's get excited about.  

So why was my Friday so bad?  Well, several of our students have left the program, yet are still on our program roster.  I send an email before every semester to tell advisor and B who is not registered.  Apparently this goes partially ignored.  As she said "we got caught with our pants down".  Let me clarify... "SHE" got caught w/ her pants down.  They are either to be officially on a LOA or kicked out of the program.  Some she couldn't get a hold of and left them dangling on the roster.  Hmm...not kosher.  We had a lot of graduates last semester and our numbers have DROPPED.  So she went on and on about how she won't have a job, budget cuts, another collateral faculty is rumored to get the boot, etc.  I feel her pain, but don't blame me for you trying to pad the enrollment.  Geez!  

So I was getting sort of the short end of the stick, sitting on the floor, yes floor, of her office filling out paperwork to drop students from the program (had to be done NOW).  I looked at my watch and....4:05.  It was my turn to get my kids off the bus (at 3:30).  I RAN to my office to call my friend.  Kind of puts the rest of the bs in perspective.  

Post script:  kids were fine; bus driver took them back up to the school and my friend was able to pick them up from the office.  Advisor must have felt mildly bad; posted a nice comment to my edublog (barf).  I'm becoming a cynic. 

Cornered

Went to staff meeting with advisor; only three of us were to be there and B was late. Was cornered again about dissertation. It's getting awkward. She again professionally bad mouthed Dr. Dept Chair, but then went on to say that it's my choice. She asked me if I had ever asked her to be my chair??? I said no. She said, oh, because you could just tell him that I'm doing it. Slick.

I said that he really likes my dissertation topic (the one she thinks I stole) and she said she takes that as a form of flattery since her IRB proposal is similar. (She did her proposal over the summer after I did my practice IRB proposal for my last class). Hmmm... Apparently he's never said anything but "this should be fun" when he signed off on it. Same main idea taking two different paths. I can officially say, however, that I showed her this Web 2.0 tool back two Novembers ago.... whatever.

Regardless, I said he really seems to want to chair my dissertation and she said do you want me to talk to him? ARRGGHHH! No, I say calmly. I have a meeting with him on Tuesday and I'll let her know the outcome. I said we've already talked about who should be on my committee and she said, "am I on there?".... ah, yes, dumb butt, you are.

Gift well rec'd

Ok, so the gift was given and rec'd well. She asked me how the dissertation seminar is going and I told her that I liked working with Dr. Dept Chair. He's straightforward; no b.s. (didn't use the words b.s.). She said he would be a good "dissertation committee member." She paused, then said, "or dissertation chair" halfhazzerdly. Then she went on to sort of professionally dog him - like he can be difficult to work with; may send you on one track and then ask you why you went down that path. Was she talking about herself?

It's not that I don't like her. I have great admiration for her and she's helped me along the way. I just think her bar is too exceptionally high. I can deal with that for a class, but not writing my dissertation. I just want concrete feedback; no b.s.; Dr. Dept Chair isn't the most warm and fuzzy, but it's not like I want to cuddle. I want to graduate! I know I'll have my beefs along the way with Dr. Dept Chair, but I know he'll at least keep things moving and keep all committee members in check.

So.... I let the comments roll and said that we'd be talking more about committee members/chairs tonight. I think I'll try talking to her tomorrow about it. I'll let her enjoy her gift.

dissin' my advisor

I'm dreading going into the office today.  I need to tell my advisor that she's not going to be the chair of my dissertation.  I'm assuming that she's assuming (yeah, I know the saying) that she'll be it.  She's collateral, so she's never really had the chance.  Right now she's "co-chairing" one with the head of our dept since it's her first one, okay partial one.  She's been on quite a few committees, but not the same.  

I need to move this process along. I quit my job to return to school!  I have a family!  I have (want) a life.  She just doesn't get it.  I like her and all, but we're two different worlds.  She lives in a 4,000 sq foot house with her husband and dogs.  Never had kids.  It's just hard to relate to my world of Wal-mart, a house that needs vacuuming, and chaos.  She'll slow me down.  She's a perfectionist in her way of doing things, which is not always mine. 

The head of my dept was quite happy to be my chair and I asked him politically how that will work out.  He told me not to worry about politics and just tell her.  Easier said than done.  

Oh, and I have a gift for her.  I know, tacky.  But she was really giving me a hard time lately (aka, did I steal her research idea?) and my mom said that maybe she was jealous.  I should suck up and tell her how awesome she is.  Normally I don't stoop to these sorts of things, but I need my last year to go well.  I bought a gift.  Small, nothing fancy.  I just haven't been able to get it to her.  Now it seems tacky to give her the gift and tell her she's not the chair.  Ug.  Can't win.  

oh please, oh please

So hubby took a new job three months ago. Same company, but new area. I think he's going to kill his boss. Seriously, he's going to end up in jail and I'm going to be a mom with two kids, no real job, and no health insurance. He called over to his old director-pal that has an open mgr position. I'm crossing my fingers. I swear I'm getting an ulcer over it.

It sucks. There was a reorg then he was sort of half-assed offered a job but he'd have to work under people that didn't have the experience that he did. He took this job - with a pay cut - thinking he'll be closer to home, no call. Yeah, blows chunks. I've never seen him like this. If he doesn't get this other job I think he'll be applying as a wal-mart checker. I wonder if we'd get a discount?

Starting anew

I have an open blog which keeps my family and friends in sync with my hectic life. However, I can't talk about anyone, bitch about my advisor, or generally rant about life. I need this outlet or I will explode. I must cover my tracks. Opened secret email & secret blog. Do I dare even tell my husband? Hmmm...nope!

About me? Started my dissertation officially last week. How far have I come? I'm reading Surviving Your Dissertation. Impressive, I know. I've got kids, husband, cats. That's about all you'll get from me, at least for now.

I've had so much to say over the last two years, but I just can't rehash...must move on. Quick brief: had cheating office mates & I took their butts to honor court; my advisor thinks I'm copying her research agenda (ah, who actually showed her the stuff last year??); and my husband's company has been dickin' him around. That covers the basics. See, you're all caught up.