In a funk...

Have been to two meetings today. I think I'm just tired. Plus I have to teach tonight. Too much to do. Headache. Personal issues - Parent/teacher conference basically was a "talk" about how much my oldest daughter needs mom's attention and that she's okay academically but they're worried that I don't spend enough time with her. Are you kidding me? She is a needy kid, but let's not guilt me into being a bad mom. Of course, I sat there sobbing like a baby. What exactly do they want me to do? I'm sure they're going to love that I'll be across the country giving a national presentation when her class is doing their little program next week.

There's a family who lives around the corner who is mom-less right now. She was sent to training last year for several months, then came back only to leave again for a year. The military is paying for her to go to PA school. The dad is handling the two boys. I wonder if they guilt her? I also wonder about my friend who's husband worked two hours away and only came home on the weekends. He did that for two years and now is off in Kansas for military training. He's off to Afghanistan next. Are military people except from being "bad" parents??? Maybe just me because I have options.

The funny thing is I see my kids more now than I did when I worked full-time. I'd pick them up from daycare and often go to work on weekends to catch up. We didn't do a bunch of "fun stuff". Now I get them off the bus 2-3 days a week, they help me make dinner, we play a family board game at least once a week. Last weekend we went and played putt-putt and go-carting. My oldest needs lots of attention. She needs more one-on-one time. She probably needs to be put back on meds. I don't know. I guess back to the therapist/pediatrician. When she's sad, she pulls the "mom doesn't give me enough attention" and everyone coos over that because I don't come to every school function or field trip. Bite me. There is a dad in the picture. Hello....we're a two parent family.

Whatever.... on to other misc updates:

Advisor kept job (for now) but panicking due to enrollment. We'll be down to less than 20 students over the next three semesters. We'll be lucky to get 6 new enrollees during that time. I suggested (again) advertising. Shock! Now that we're desperate, we're going to do it. Well, in a half-assed sort of way - through emails to depts inside our university and to a few agencies/community colleges/organizations. Nothing over the top, but it may be enough to survive until they figure out what to do. Looks like it will move to full online program eventually. Serious talks. I'm glad I'll be finished and graduated.

My dissertation methodoloist is now Advisor. Dept Chair decided to get add on a different outside person, which means no methodologist. Add another person to the committee? No, he said she could do it. I told her today. I think she was happy, although faked the perturbed thing like "how dare he just assume...." You could tell she was excited. She said that I will have to do a lot of reading!! Woo-woo. It's an ethnography. Let's not get too crazy here.

Oh, and this was the email response to my question about my travel money for the conference:
I'm sorry to say that student travel was cut last year and hasn't been re-instated. I'm so sorry.

Oh, those undergrads...

Class is 7 pm and I have two students that have contacted me about their papers due tonight.  They know they get one free rewrite, so I told them both they can just turn in the final, but the grade they get is the grade they get.  However, I do grade pretty tough on the papers and I told them that already.  It's a senior level class and I can't stand papers written like it's a blog (ha!) or a text message.  I want a real research paper, APA citations, etc.  I don't think it's too much to ask.  I can't wait to see what gets tuned in (or not...)

Stupid, stupid graduate assistants

Stupid graduate assistants make us all look bad. I applied for a tenure-track job. My first one. (1) Because it's rare to find any in my field, (2) it's time for me to start applying, and (3) it's the first one that I've actually wanted, really wanted. I get an email from a GA with 16 other emails: Dear Applicants, blah, blah, blah. Basically we're to fill out an EEOC form and fax it in. Are you kidding me? 17 candidates with their emails? At first, my heart falls. I can't compete. Then I fight. I need to know if I have a chance. I look up all of the people -- People from VT, Ohio, Kansas State, App State, Hampton, Utah, Memphis...it goes on and on. And then there are those who used their gmail and yahoo email, except they used their names as their email address. Checked them out on Facebook and Google! Well, good and bad news. Good news - some dumbasses. Bad news, some great looking cv's. With this many candidates and me still being ABD, I'm just not feeling it. Maybe the dumbass GA was a good thing. At least not getting a call will be due to actually more qualified people. At the same time, it just sucks.

Why I need calendar alerts

I missed a conference today. Yes, a real conference. It's a state-wide thing, but local so I didn't book the hotel or anything. I didn't have to pay, which is probably the reason it didn't even register with me. I was checking my calendar for tomorrow's activities and saw the conference was today. Ooops.

It was for new and adjunct faculty for the community college. It's not like I really needed to go, but I thought it would look impressive if anyone asked and I figured I might be able to network. Yeah, shot myself in the foot as my name badge sat there all day long.... ug. IDIOT! I'm just hoping no one reports this to the college. Yeah, right....

Updates

Hubby got new job. Back over in the other area...lateral move, no pay increase. Further away, more on call. At least he won't kill anyone.

I'm a bit calmer now. Probably because I'm at school where I feel most at home. Lots to do, but this type of work is manageable to me.

Advisor pretty much leaving me alone. She's pretty sure she's going to get canned, although I have my doubts. We'll find out at the end of October about budget cuts. It probably could go either way....

Alternate universe

Today is one of those days I wonder about my parallel universe. Is there such a place where I live alone in a small apartment over a cafe? I read books and study in the quiet of my world? I have no children. Maybe a spouse, but one that shares by passion for school and outside dining?

On days like today I wonder how I ended up here? Is this the white-trash life that tried to break free? Some parts of me made it while others didn't?

I often think about my parallel life. I wonder if I'd wish I had a family and the suburban home. Do I just think this way because of the "grass is always greener" or am I really in a life that I was too stupid to know would be my second choice. If I had only known at 20 there was a different choice....

Have you ever watched Bridges of Madison County? Yeah, noble she stayed, but didn't you want Franchesca to run away with Robert? Run, run...that's your real life awaiting..... but no, we moms do what's right, even at our own expense. We wipe asses, we check homework, we give praises to our husbands to boost their ego. It's just exhausting.

I think society tells us what we should do --- live in suburbia and raise kids. I see my friend who wasn't able to have kids and she tells me how "lucky" I am. I see how lucky she is.... how ironic is that?

Is it wrong to count the days until my kids go to college? Does that make me a horrible mother? I have my one kid's teacher telling me how the grow up so fast and enjoy this time. How exactly am I supposed to do that??? Perhaps I'm selfish. I don't even care.

Some days are better than others. Today I can barely look at my husband. After 13 years of marriage, I think it's purgatory. I just want to be left alone. I just close my eyes and think of my alternate universe....I'm sitting on a patio outside of my studio apartment, writing, working on research. It's too bad that 10 years ago my universe revolved around babies and the "perfect" American family. I'm such a dumb ass. So naive.

I want to cry. I want to yank out my hair. Instead, I will suck it up and pretend everything is grand. I guess it truly does suck b/c my husband is supportive of what I do, my kids are good kids. I need to stop being so greedy. However, on days like today I can't help but scream inside. WTF???

More coordination, please...

25% of class is out tonight due to "family emergency" or other non-descriptive reasons. I'm a pretty hard ass about emailing me ahead of time. I plan activities, etc. It's not just for my own personal amusement. I actually did have a somwhat boring class prepped. PowerPoint and lecture for the first half, case study for the second half. I'm now wondering how I can reward the troops that will show up tonight. Class is in an hour...must think....